People in love make me want to vomit
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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