I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
