I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
