New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
