I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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