Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish I only lived at night.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
