he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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