just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
