Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
True strength comes from lack of pants
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
