I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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