i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Randomize
