So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
