if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
