you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
