I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she woke up with a sticky ear
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
