I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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