I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
