I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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