Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
