I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
