You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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