and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How external is "for external use only"?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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