No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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