you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
