I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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