Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
