Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
