im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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