i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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