I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
