Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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