Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
