I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
