I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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