just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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