Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
