hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
