my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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