i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
