Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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