You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
