you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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