I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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