She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
