Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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