Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
