mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
