You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
