I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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