ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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