Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
