trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
